


Don't Shoulder this Yourself

by lesbiandisaster



Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-06-28 09:17:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15704298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiandisaster/pseuds/lesbiandisaster
Summary: Everyone has made their decision: Innominat needs to be stopped. Despite the groups determination however, Velvet still places all the blame for what his death will cause on herself. Can Eleanor convince the Lord of Calamity she's not as evil as she tells herself?





	1. The Mask Slips

It's a quiet night on the Van Eltia as we sail towards Hellawes, on our way to Mt. Killaraus. As I step out onto the deck of the ship, I see Velvet leaning against the railing: staring out at the night sky. She often spends nights out on the deck, and it's not the first time I've gotten an opportunity like this to speak to her alone. No matter how often I've come to her on nights like these however . . . I've never been able to say what I actually want to. I take a deep breath. I came out here tonight hoping to find her. I need to do this. I begin to walk towards her, and she turns towards me as she notices me approaching.

“Eleanor, what are you doing out this late?”

“I couldn't sleep; I thought I'd get some fresh air.” She nods slightly in response, before turning back out towards the sea. We stand together in silence for a moment, until she speaks again.

“Why did you actually come out here, Eleanor?”

“What do you-”

“Whenever you come out like this at night, it's because you have something to say to me. What is it?” she asks. I sigh, averting her gaze slightly.

“You know me too well, Velvet.” She shrugs.

“It's more you're just easy to read. Well?” She looks at me expectantly, waiting to hear why I came looking for her tonight.

“Velvet, we need to talk.”

“I thought I already made it clear I know that's why you're here,” she says with a slightly smug smile.

“No. I mean, really talk. No skirting around the issue. We need to talk about Innominat.” She tenses up a bit, realizing I'm actually going to push her on it, but she doesn't completely close up. She looks at me, almost glaring.

“What about him?”

“Velvet, you already know. The therions and Laphicet . . . If we kill Innominat, they could all die. They're all a part of him.” She turns away from me and replies, almost in a whisper:

“For a second I thought you were going to . . .” She trails off before turning back to me, and I'm shocked to see no anger towards me on her face — only sadness.

“What is it, Velvet?”

“It's nothing. I'm sorry Eleanor, but we don't really have any choice at this point, do we?”

“I know you're right, but how can we risk sacrificing them? What about Laphicet, how can you possibly make this decision for him?”

“He's capable of making the decision himself. I'll make sure he knows the risk, and if he wants to try and stop me then — so be it. But I've already chosen my path, and I won't be stopped.”

“Velvet . . .”

“As I've said before, best to blame all the terrible things in the world on the Lord of Calamity: like everyone else does. If you want to hate me for what I'm going to do, go ahead. One more person who loathes me won't be make any difference, in the end.”

A part of me wants to let her think all I care about is Laphicet, and the therions besides her. To hide my feelings by just getting angry and yelling at her for being willing to let Laphicet die. That part of me wants to tell her she's being heartless, but I know that's not the truth. I can see how this weighs on her.

I don't think the idea of letting anyone die so we can stop Innominat sits with her any easier than it does with me. She acts like she's still just doing what she set out to do when she first emerged from her prison cell: to have her revenge, no matter the consequences. But, that's just something she tells herself — and the rest of us — because she's gotten used to viewing herself as a monster. I know that we have no choice but to stop Innominat at this point, no matter what happens as a result. She's merely trying to put all the blame for what will happen when we kill Innominat on herself. I almost wonder if she's trying to spare me the guilt . . .

It must be so hard for her to try and carry all the blame herself, and yet she does it anyway. It hurts to see her put herself in this position. That's why, I guess, I finally let myself speak freely with her.

“You really don't get it, do you?” I mutter, looking away from her.

“I'm fully aware of the situation. I've decided to kill Innominat, and I'm willing to accept the consequ-”

“NO!” I yell at her, moving close. I can feel the tears, stinging in the cool night air, begin to fall down my face, but I continue on anyway. Velvet stares at me, her amber eyes wide in shock, unable to respond.

“You try and pretend you're a heartless daemon, but even I know we have no choice but to kill Innominat. Stop trying to shoulder all the blame for what will happen yourself! Please, at least acknowledge that we're all doing this together!”

“Eleanor, I- ”

“And it's not just about what will happen to the others, you idiot! Ever since we went to Aball, I've realized something. I saw what your life used to be like, and who you used to be. And I've come to understand that you're _still the same person!_ I don't know how, but becoming a daemon didn't change you. You're still the same girl who had so much love for those close to her, who even felt bad for the prickleboars she hunted to feed her family, who carried on through life with a smile despite losing the sister who meant so much to her! You've been scarred so badly by Artorius, all those years you spent alone in that terrible cell, and now this horrible decision you're being forced to make. But I know that underneath all the pain you're still you! And . . . I love who that is. I love you, and the idea of letting you sacrifice yourself is the part that hurts the most!”

For a moment I just cry, not noticing anything around me. Velvet won't be happy about this. She doesn't feel the same way about me. Having me cling to her like this, when we both know we have no choice in what to do about Innominat, is just going to hurt her now that she's already made up her mind. I shouldn't have said anythi-

Suddenly, I feel an arm around me, pulling me forward — and then lips pressing against mine. I open my eyes quickly, confirming what is impossible to believe, before closing them again. For a moment, everything fades away. The feeling of the tears on my face, the sound of the sea, the gentle rocking of the boat: gone. All I feel is Velvet's lips against mine. It doesn't last nearly as long as I wish it would though, before Velvet gently pulls away, letting go of me.

“I've felt the same way for a while, Eleanor. I never imagined you would also . . . thank you.” She smiles, but something is deeply sad in the way she does it.

“V-Velvet . . .” I take a step towards her, trying to close the distance she made, but her smile quickly fades and she turns away from me.

“I'm sorry Eleanor, but it doesn't change anything. We still need to kill Innominat.” She begins to walk away from me across the deck, towards the ladder leading below deck — a look of cold determination on her face.

“Velvet!” I lunge forward, grabbing her by the arm. The bandages that hide the dark red arm that she's had ever since she became a therion slide off in my grip, but I hold onto her arm itself.

“If that's truly our only option, I'm not going to stop you. But don't you go running away from me! I meant what I said: I'm tired of you trying to carry this burden by yourself. If you're going to do this, at least let me be here for you!”

“Eleanor . . .” The look of determination she had on her face just a second ago crumbles, leaving behind the sadness of a young woman who's had to make one too many sacrifices.

“At least stay with me tonight,” I plead.

“W-Where? There's nowhere on the ship-”

“The captain's quarters.” I gesture in the direction of the cabin, trying to take a step towards it. Velvet remains where she is however, looking almost scared.

“The crew won't be happy about that. No one has stayed in there since Aifread-”

“If they have a problem with it, they can take it up with me. Come on.” I begin to move towards the cabin again and this time Velvet gives up trying to resist, letting me lead her by the arm. If I'm going to lose her, I'm at least not going to let her close herself off from me until then.

 


	2. Open as we can be

I wake up to the first rays of the morning sun, as they lazily slide their way through the windows that line the walls of the captain's cabin. For a second I don't remember why I'm here instead of where I normally sleep below deck, but the woman breathing slowly and deeply as she sleeps next to me in bed soon reminds me. What happened last night comes back to me in a rush.

I actually confessed to her? And she said she felt the same way? I sit up in bed, trying to clear my head. What was I thinking dragging her off into here? Did some part of me think we'd . . . no, no, I'm not that manipulative. Or at least, I hope I'm not. I just want to be here for her, that's all. She's spent this whole journey closing herself off from everyone else, but if she really feels the same way as I do maybe she can open up a bit and be herself around me. We're all about to do something terrible, but necessary, and she needs someone to help her get through this. Time will tell, however, how capable Velvet is of letting go of the protective shell she's built up around herself.

Either way, I think I did the right thing in not letting her run off last night. We didn't say much to each other once we got into the cabin, but she slept soundly next to me. I have the feeling she doesn't often get a good night's sleep nowadays so, small as it is, it's something at least. I get up out of bed, yawning as I stretch out my arms. As I begin to get ready for the day, the last person I want to see right now opens the door and walks in. Magilou pauses for a moment, looking at me and then to Velvet still asleep in bed. An almost evil grin spreads across her face.

“So, one of you stubborn fools finally admitted how you feel! I was starting to think it would never happen, to be quite honest.”

“Magilou.” I don't even attempt to hide the annoyance in my voice. “What on earth compelled you to come in here? Oh, gods, don't actually answer that. Please just leave.” Ignoring me, she continues on.

“I happened to notice both of your bunks were empty this morning, but neither of you were to be found anywhere on the ship! I was merely checking around to make sure that you two hadn't fallen overboard in the night. You should really thank me for my truly heartfelt concern!” Magilou is not even attempting to be quiet and Velvet is soon stirring in bed, an aggravated groan escaping from her lips as she comes to the realization what she's waking up to.

“Leave us alone, Magilou,” Velvet mumbles sleepily, somehow still managing to sound like she's one second away from clawing Magilou to death even while laying in bed barely awake.

“Okay, okay, I'll go. I wouldn't want to get in the way of your alone time, after all! Oh, one thing though: I'm not sure the crew is going to be very happy that you two were fucking in Aifread's bed!”

“W-we were doing nothing of the sort! Get out already!” I open the door and push Magilou out, closing it the second she's gone. With a sigh I turn to Velvet, who's now sitting up in bed.

“I'm sorry about that Velvet . . . if the whole ship wasn't already going to know, they certainly will now.”

“Eh. I don't mind.” She pauses for a moment, looking at me. “Hey Eleanor, come over here.”

“Hm?” As I step near to the bed, Velvet suddenly grabs me by the collar, pulling my face towards hers. Once again, her lips meet mine, and this time she mercifully does not move away quickly. Eventually, she pulls away from me, giving me a smile as she stands up out of bed. As the moment ends, however, a look of doubt flashes across her face.

“I'm not being too forward, am I?” she asks.

“What? No, no.”

“It's just, I've never actually been in a relationship before, so it's all a bit . . . not that I'm saying we are in a relationship, if you don't view it like that. I mean, you literally just confessed last night. I-” She stops suddenly, as I fail to stifle a giggle. I've never seen her like this before. “W-what's funny?”

“You are. I was worried you were still going to close yourself off from me, but I guess I had no reason to.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” She looks at me, somewhat suspicious.

“It means you're acting like yourself, not someone who's trying to play the Lord of Calamity.”

“I _am_ the Lord of Calamity.”

“There's a difference between accepting that title and letting it define you. All I'm saying is: I hope you can be yourself around me. I like you, after all.” I smile, and she offers a slight nervous smile in response. “Oh, and to answer your question: we're in a relationship if you want.

“I do,” Velvet says, still looking somewhat nervous. In this moment, she's a far cry from the confident woman she normally is. If nothing else, I'm glad to be able to see this side of her . . . while I still can.

“Well, then. A daemon and a former exorcist dating. We'll make a strange pair.”

“Our whole group is strange. What's one more oddity?” She smiles.

“No arguments there. Come on, let's get ready and go out onto the deck. Might as well get the awkward questions out of the way.”

 

\--

 

As Velvet and I step out onto the deck, several of the pirates notice us and begin to whisper among themselves. As I feared, Magilou was far from the only one who noticed our absence on the ship and figured out where we must have been last night. Benwick is nearby and, noticing us, he nervously approaches.

“Morning Velvet, Eleanor,” he says. Velvet just nods in response, and I reply in turn:

“Good morning, Benwick,” I say, avoiding looking him directly in the eyes. He seems to be trying to figure out whether it's worth asking any questions, but eventually just sighs.

“Neither of you two are ever subtle about anything.” He digs in his pockets for a moment, before producing a key and holding it out to us. “Here. A key to the captain's cabin. So you can, you know, lock the door at night.” I hesitate to take the key, but Velvet grabs it with no objections. I feel I have to ask him:

“Are you sure it's okay to stay in Aifread's quarters?”

“It's just a room,” he raises an eyebrow, “and you two clearly need one.” Even Velvet's face flushes slightly at the remark, and I can't even imagine how red my face is. Fortunately, Velvet breaks the awkward moment by quickly thanking Benwick and striding past him towards the center of the deck. She approaches Eizen, who was very clearly doing his best to ignore our exchange with Benwick.

“How long until we land at Hellawes?” Velvet asks.

“We'll be there in a few hours,” Eizen replies.

“Good. I hope everyone is ready to cross an ice field: we have some Empyreans to wake up.”

 


	3. A day in the Northern Town

The quiet in the town of Meirchio is slowly coming to an end, as the Aifread's pirates begin to arrive and make themselves at home. It looks like we've found somewhere to stay, for the time being, thanks to Velvet's performance. Devouring a daemon in front of the whole town to scare them away and draw the Abbey's legates out was quite an idea on her part. I'm just thankful the town won't be caught up in the potential volcanic eruption that awakening the Empyreans at Mt. Killaraus might cause.

Velvet and I are standing together a ways off from everyone else, watching as they settle into town. At some point, barely even thinking about it, I found myself moving close to Velvet for warmth, shivering in the northern town's frigid air.

“Oh, right. I almost forgot about the cold,” Velvet says, removing her black cloak and wrapping it around my shoulders. “Does that help?”

“A little,” I say with a shiver. Her tattered old cloak doesn't do much to stop the cold.

“Want to go inside? You look like you're about to freeze solid; your face is unbelievably red.”

“No. I want to stay out a bit longer. The town, the snow, the northern lights: it's all so beautiful. It would be a shame to spend all the time we have until the Scarlet Night cooped up inside.”

“Hm.” She pauses for a moment, thinking. “Well, if we're going to stay out in the cold there's only one thing to do.” She smiles mischievously, before moving behind and wrapping her arms around me — pulling me close to her chest. She's surprisingly warm, and the cold bites a bit less as she holds me. I can see some of the pirates trying not to stare at us, and failing, out of the corner of my eye. I can't really blame them; none of them have seen Velvet act anywhere near this close to someone before. Understanding why they're looking at us like that doesn't make it any less embarrassing, however.

“V-Velvet, stop it! Everyone is staring,” I whisper to her.

“Wow. I didn't know it was possible for your face to get anymore red than it already was,” she says teasingly. I can feel her breath on the back of my neck as she speaks. “It helps with the cold though, doesn't it?”

“Yes . . .” I sigh, giving up on arguing about it. After all, a little embarrassment is worth feeling less cold and, more importantly, getting to be close to Velvet. Looking out at the mostly empty town, I return to what I was thinking about before the cold. “Thank you Velvet, by the way.”

“For keeping you warm? Anytime.”

“I mean for doing your little Lord of Calamity act to clear out the town. Now none of the townspeople will be put in danger if Mt. Killaraus erupts.”

“Would you believe me if I said I only did it to bring the legates here?”

“No, probably not.” I grin, knowing I'm answering exactly how she expected me to when she asked that question.

“Well, think whatever you want. As long as you're happy with how things turned out.”

“Would you have handled it in a way that you thought I wouldn't have been happy about?”

“. . . No.”

“Well then, I think I have my answer as to why you did it.”

“Fine. You got me. The Lord of Calamity is more concerned about the feelings of one woman than her dark goals.”

“I'm honored to be so important to the daemon lord herself.” I pause, the idea of how to get a little revenge for my embarrassment a moment ago coming to mind. “Seriously though, Velvet, could you have said anything _more_ corny to the town? 'I am corruption made flesh! Velvet, the Lord of Calamity!' I mean, really.”

“It's just what came to mind, okay?”

“It's a good thing the whole country has built up the Lord of Calamity as some sort of terrible monster in their minds, or else they would have just laughed at you.”

“Look, it worked didn't it? I got everyone to leave, and the Abbey's legates will know that we're here now.” She almost sounds like she's pouting, and it's extremely cute.

“It did, and that's all that matters really. Still, it's like I've been saying. Playing the Lord of Calamity doesn't fit you.”

“Fine. I'll only be the Lord of Calamity when I have to scare entire towns away.”

“Let's not make a habit out of it, o fearsome dark lord, okay?”

“Okay, okay. I get it Eleanor. The whole act was silly,” she says with a sigh. I smile, moving out from underneath her arms and holding out my hand to her.

“Well, I've warmed up a bit. We have the whole town to ourselves: want to look around?”

“Sure.” She places her hand in mine.

 

\--

 

We spend the next few hours poking around town, talking to everyone as they get settled in. None of us really have anything to do until the Scarlet Night anyway, so everyone is just relaxing around town. Eventually, we find ourselves heading towards the church that's a ways off from the rest of town. As we approach we hear what sounds like metal striking metal coming from inside, and see Rokurou sitting on the church steps. He's staring down, deep in thought, with a bottle of sake next to him. He doesn't seem to notice us until we get close, lifting his head and greeting us.

“Velvet, Eleanor! Unusual to see you two alone together.”

“Better get used to it Rokurou,” Velvet says, a sly smile creeping onto her face as she waits for Rokurou to figure it out.

“Huh?” He pauses for a moment, somehow just noticing I'm leaning up against Velvet, my arm linked through hers. “Oh. Looks like I'm down ten gald.”

“What do we have to do with ten gald?” I ask, slightly curious what the connection is, but I have the unfortunate feeling I already know.

“Just another one of Magilou's little bets. I bet against her that you two would finally end up together.” As Rokurou finishes explaining, I let out a sigh. Of course it has to do with her.

“Wait, even you were aware we both . . .?” I trail off, looking at Rokurou in mild disbelief. The fact that even Rokurou, quite frankly not the most observant person, was able to figure out how we felt before one of us admitted it to the other is honestly a little disturbing.

“Haha! The way you two argued with each other? I'm not sure _anyone_ didn't know! Well, congratulations.”

“Um, thanks.”

“So, what's going on in there?” Velvet gestures at the church, where the loud clash of metal can still be heard. “Is Kurogane making you a new sword?”

“More than that. He's forming his body into a sword,” Rokurou says solemnly. I gasp, letting go of Velvet's arm and moving towards Rokurou in shock.

“He's _what?!_ ”

“Exactly what I said. He's using his body to make the best sword he can possibly make.” Rokurou looks behind himself, towards the church.

“So, you'd really go that far to defeat Shigure and Stormhowl,” Velvet whispers. I'm not certain, but I think I hear a slight tinge of disappointment creep into her voice.

“Yep. I'd let a friend turn himself into a sword if it gives me the chance to kill my brother.” Rokurou turns away from the church, looking back at us. “I'm a real jerk.”

“I'm in no position to judge,” Velvet says.

“I think you are. Daemon arm or not, you're still human. You care about those around you too much to be anything but human. Don't be so hard on yourself. ” Rokurou pauses, before saying with a laugh, “Just ask your girlfriend. Something tells me she wouldn't have any interest if you were more daemon than human.”

“He's not wrong. I've come to understand that many daemons retain much of their humanity, but you're the only one I've met who seems to still be herself completely.” I smile at Velvet, but she only grimaces as she responds.

“How can either of you say that, having seen the things I've done.”

“I've done my share of terrible things since becoming a daemon myself, Velvet, but there's a difference between the two of us. I don't have any regrets about anything I've done: the people I've hurt or killed. As long as it gets me closer to my goals of becoming stronger and killing Shigure, I'll do it. You've done what is necessary to get your revenge too, but it all weighs heavily on you. You have too much of a conscience to not be human. You're not so single minded and selfish, as daemons like me are.” He pauses, slowly picking up and taking a drink of the sake at his feet. His eyes remain down at the sake bottle as he continues, “I wonder, does that humanity give you the strength beyond what a simple daemon can accomplish? Perhaps no matter how skilled I become with a blade, I'll never really be as strong as someone like you . . . or Shigure.” Velvet shakes her head at Rokurou's words, before responding.

“Who's being too hard on themselves now? You've done everything you have up to this point to become the best swordsman possible. It's not like you to have doubts,” Velvet says. Rokurou looks shocked at Velvet's encouragement at first, but soon lets out a laugh.

“Perhaps it's not like me! I'll do what needs to be done, either way. Don't worry about that.”

“I won't,” Velvet says with a smile, before turning to me. “It's getting late. Want to head back to the inn?” I nod, and she offers a hand, which I gladly place mine in. After saying our goodbyes to Rokurou, we begin to walk down the path leading back — the lights in the skyline mixing with those of the town. It seems everyone, not just Velvet, is learning to accept who they are.

 

 

\--

 

I'm alone in the room Velvet and I are staying at in Meirchio's inn, waiting for Velvet to get back. It's getting close to night, and we recently returned from the town's hot spring. It was quite nice, although . . . I didn't really have much time to focus on the hot spring itself. I appreciate the opportunity it opened up, however. I smile to myself, still thinking about sitting next to Velvet in the hot spring. How she turned to me, starting with just a kiss, but her hand soon moving from my face, sliding off the towel I was wearing. Moving close to me as she . . .

I shake my head and force my mind to stop wandering in that direction. It doesn't feel appropriate, considering what she's likely doing right now. She didn't actually say what she's off doing, she just said she was going to take care of something and would meet me back at the inn, but I'm pretty sure I know what it is. She's talking to Laphicet about Innominat, and it won't be easy for her. I offer up a silent prayer: please, Velvet, remember this situation isn't your fault.

As if in response to my thoughts, the door opens and Velvet comes in – quietly shutting the door behind her.

“Welcome back Velvet, what were you-” I'm cut off as I see the pain on her face. She was talking to Laphicet, then. For a second she just stands there, before she rushes towards me – wrapping both her arms around me and hugging me tightly. I place a hand on the back of her head, bringing her closer as she start to cry softly. We stay like this, until Velvet's tears eventually begin to slow and she opens her eyes: looking up at me.

“Why does this keep happening Eleanor? Why does everyone around me only ever get hurt?”

“Velvet . . .”

“I'm tired of saying goodbye.” She closes her eyes again, her teeth clenched as she holds back more tears. I hold her tightly, running a hand through her dark hair, as she continues to speak in a strained whisper.

“Do you remember me mentioning how Seres died?

“You said you devoured her,” I say. She nods slightly in response.

“Can I,” she pauses, clearly struggling to go on, “can I tell you about how it happened?” She lets go of me, moving back and leaning against the wall.

“Of course.”

“Thank you, Eleanor.” She takes a deep breath, steadying herself. “Seres was the one that freed me from my prison on Titania. If it wasn't for her, I would have been locked up there until the suppression.”

“Then why did you-”

“She told me to. On our way out of the prison, one of exorcist's malaks turned into a dragon. She took a blow in the back from the dragon's claws that would have hit me. She saved my life by giving up hers, and told me to devour her before she died to take her strength.” Her hand clenches into a fist and she looks down at the ground.

“I still can't say for certain why she did it. Was it because she'd come to hate what Artorius had become? Was it simply because she felt pity for me and the life I lost? My sister, or what was left of her, let herself get killed so that I could have her power – have a chance at killing Artorius. Just like Laphi let himself get killed and turned into what he is now, saying he wanted to make a better world for me. Everyone I've ever loved has only ever gotten hurt for my sake.” She looks at me, fear in her eyes. “And now, I'm letting it happen to you too!

“You're letting yourself get close to me so you can support me, but how will you feel once I'm dead? Once Laphicet and the therions who you wanted to protect all died because we killed Innominat? You'd be happier then if you still hated me, if you could just blame their deaths on the Lord of Calamity like everyone else who loses someone to a daemon.”

“I'm not capable of hating you anymore. I haven't been since I realized you're still human.”

“Sometimes, I wish I wasn't. It would be easier if I was a monster who could do what I need to do without feeling and then die. It's so hard, never being able to forget the people you've hurt.”

“Whatever happens, I'm glad you're not a monster.” I take her hands in mine, and she smiles weakly at my words. “I'll be here for you until the end Velvet. And I promise I'll never regret the time I spent with you: no matter how much it hurts for me to say goodbye.”

“Eleanor . . .” As she looks at me, tears begin to brim in her eyes again. I start to pull her to me, ready to hold her, but we're interrupted by a swift knock on the door followed by Magilou quickly entering the room. None of the usual mischievousness is visible on her face.

“I know this isn't a good time, but look out the window,” Magilou says. Turning towards the window we see that night has fallen and the sky has become an unearthly shade of deep red.

“The Scarlet Night,” I whisper.

“It's time,” Magilou says, eyeing Velvet. “Are you capable of following through with what needs to be done?” In response Velvet lets out an unsteady breath, before stepping forward and standing up straight.

“I'm ready. Let's get everyone together, and go get this over with. It's only the first step in ending this.” As Velvet speaks, Magilou smiles slightly.

“I'm glad I stopped betting against you. You're too damn stubborn to break.”

 


	4. We all Have Regrets

As we walk briskly down Mt. Killaraus, I eye the volcano's peak. No eruption immediately followed when Velvet forced the exorcist's souls down the lifespring, but I'm still worried about the possibility. Soon enough though, we find ourselves off the volcano and back in the ice field. The group stops, everyone looking up at the volcano. The peak, illuminated by the deep red of the Scarlet Night's moon, still looks as peaceful as when we got here.

Magilou is the first to look away from the volcano. “Still no eruption. I guess we got lucky and the Empyreans didn't mind us interrupting their sleep.” A sly smile flashes across Magilou's face. “Either that, or we totally failed to wake them up! Two legates dead and all that drama from Velvet as she forced the souls down the lifespring — all for nothing!”

“No,” Laphicet says, closing his eyes and focusing. “I can sense Innominat's domain shrinking. The other Empyreans are here.”

“Oh thank goodness,” I sigh, finally feeling less tense for the first time tonight. “We really did it then. We defeated two legates and woke the Empyreans. We're pretty amazing, huh?”

“Pretty amazing?” Magilou responds incredulously. “Amazingly stupid, perhaps. Anyone besides you lot would have given up long ago when they saw the odds they were up against. It's pure lunacy, plain and simple!”

Velvet looks at Magilou with a smirk, apparently unable to resist the opportunity to poke fun at Magilou's continued insistence that she is completely apathetic about everything. “If we're lunatics for what we do and you're still with us, what does that say about you then?”

“I'm merely here to see what happens. Don't mistake my continued affiliation with this group as a sign that I'm the same type of crazy as all of you!” Magilou says.

Velvet rolls her eyes. “Well, at least you don't deny being some type of crazy.”

“Of course I don't. Any good witch is a little bit crazy,” Magilou says with an air of self-importance that is rather amusing for someone calling herself crazy. I can't help but shake my head with a smile at her ridiculousness.

“Well,” I say, “whatever the reason you're still with us is, I'm happy you are.”

Magilou grins wickedly at me. “Oh, how unexpected from you! The honorable praetor, happy to associate with a witch? You've fallen so far from the noble exorcist you once were, Eleanor. Velvet really has been a terrible influence on you!” Magilou eyes Velvet expectantly, knowing she'll respond.

Velvet waves her hand dismissively at Magilou. “Don't blame me for Eleanor being happy to have you around. I can't understand why she'd want you here, personally.” Despite her words, Velvet speaks with a smile that indicates she doesn't really mean it, and Magilou immediately takes mock offense in response.

“After all we've been through together, how can you still insult me so?!”

Laphicet shuffles his feet nervously in the snow, hands behind his back. “Um . . . I'm sorry to interrupt,” Laphicet interjects, “but there's something you all should know.” We all stop what we're doing and look at Laphicet. “I can feel Innominat pushing against the other four Empyreans with great force. They might not be able to hold him back forever.”

“Okay.” Velvet turns away from the rest of us. “We need to take this chance while we have it. Let's get moving.” We begin the long, cold walk back to Meirchio.

 

**\--**

 

By the time we reach Meirchio the night is over, and we decide to stay at least a couple days in town to rest. The next day I find myself busy entertaining Kamoana, who insists we play hide-and-seek around the town, and at some point Velvet goes off on her own. Later, once Kamoana has gone to bed, I go looking for Velvet. I find her alone at the edge of town, leaning against a railing that separates solid ground from the ice floes. She's looking out at the night sky, apparently deep in thought. I walk up to her, placing my hand next to her on the railing.

“Enjoying the view?” I ask.

“Eh. More thinking than anything else. What about you, what are you doing outside? Aren't you cold out here at night?”

“Yes, extremely cold. That's why I'm headed inside as soon as possible. I just was looking for you to let you know I'm headed back to the inn and that you're welcome to join me.”

“Sure, let's go.” She let's go of the railing, and we start back towards town. We head into the inn, briefly greeting Rokurou and Eizen who are talking to each other over drinks in the inn's lobby, before heading to our room. Almost immediately as I close the door, Velvet crashes on the bed, sprawling out onto it with a sigh. I sit down next to her on the edge of the bed.

“Still worn out from last night?” I ask.

“It's not easy forcing four souls down into lava and through a lifespring, I'll have you know.”

“I'm sure it wasn't. I've never seen anything quite like it before.” I pause for a moment as a question comes to mind. “Hey, Velvet. What was it you were doing outside just now anyway? You seemed pretty lost in thought.”

“Yeah, I guess I was. I was thinking about Teresa and Oscar.” She sits up in bed next to me. “I talked to them one night on our way to Hellawes. I'm just having trouble getting them off my mind, I guess.”

“You . . . talked to their souls? You can do that?”

“Yep. Usually at night when I'm sleeping, but I can always sense all the souls that are in me.”

I look at her, slightly puzzled. “If you normally talk to the souls while asleep, how do you know you're not just dreaming?”

“No, I'm certain those conversations aren't dreams,” she says resolutely. “They're too real to be dreams. Besides, like I said, I can always sense the souls to an extent. If I focus on them, I can feel some of their emotions coming off of them. I even talked to Seres once while awake.”

“Do you talk to Seres often?”

“I did several times. She's gone now though. Her soul moved on.”

“Was she happy with the course you're taking?”

“Yeah, yeah she was.” She smiles to herself for a moment, perhaps remembering something about Seres . . . or her sister.

“Anyway, what did Teresa and Oscar say to you?”

“Oh, you know. About what you'd expect from them.” She shrugs. “They said I'm a horrible, selfish monster whose sins will never be forgiven. Nothing particularly surprising, really.”

I sigh. I had no idea how literally it is that Velvet is haunted by those she's killed. “Sounds like them, yeah.”

“One thing Oscar said stuck with me. He said that no matter how many times he was reborn, he'd act the same way. He still had real determination, plus a lack of misgivings about how he lived.” She frowns, looking down at the bandaged hand she had devoured them with. “Both he and Teresa fought to protect each other until the end, and I killed them and used them for my own ends. No matter how you look at it, what I did was terrible. I guess I can't help thinking about how they were better people than me, and didn't deserve this fate.”

“Velvet, I know this is hard for you, but come on.” Some annoyance creeps into my voice. I can't stand that she'd compare herself to them like that. “How can you say they were better people than you?”

“I just mean their motivations were better than mine. They were concerned only with looking out for each other right until the end, and they have no guilt for the things they did. But I . . . I'm so much more selfish than they were, and I have so much to feel guilty for.”

“They fought to protect each other until the end, yes. But some of the things they did they _should_ feel guilty about. I mean, they were members of the Abbey. You know, the organization that literally enslaved malaks? Even if they didn't know the Abbey's true purpose, they were well aware of how they treated malaks.”

“But, _you_ were part of the Abbey-”

“Yes, and what's your point? You're not the only one who regrets things they've done in the past, Velvet.”

She looks at me in shock. “You all had good reason to trust the Abbey, though! You knew nothing about the Abbey's true purpose. You thought you were protecting the world against monsters!”

“That was an easy lie to tell myself. I wanted to protect people from losing those close to them to daemons as I had, and the Abbey was the only group that could stand up to daemons. So, I placed my trust in the Abbey. They offered me an opportunity to protect the world, or so I thought. But that doesn't change the fact that I knew what they were doing to malaks. I swallowed the lie that malakes are tools, not people, because I so desperately wanted to believe that the Abbey was a force for good.” I stop briefly, blinking back tears. “In my desire to stop daemons from hurting others as they had hurt me, I turned a blind eye to the people the Abbey stripped of their free will and used how they wanted!” I feel my voice falter, and have to stop again.

Velvet places her hand in mine. “It's okay, Eleanor . . .”

I take a few deep breaths, regaining my composure. “The point is, we've all done things worth regretting. All we can do is acknowledge where we've erred and try and atone for it in our actions. That is why I fight against the Abbey now: to make up for my past mistakes.”

“Are you sure being with someone like me is a good way to move on from your past?” She asks, her voice full of doubt. “Aren't you going to just end up with a whole new set of regrets?”

I shake my head. “I already told you. No matter what happens, I won't have any regrets about the time I get to spend with you now.” I lean in towards Velvet, giving her a quick kiss, and her doubt seems to disappear. “It's getting late; we should get some sleep. I'm going to go get changed for bed.” I try and stand up so I can go get ready for bed, but Velvet grabs my arm and pulls me down back onto the bed, underneath her. She brings her other hand towards my chest, beginning to take off my coat.

“No need to go anywhere,” she purrs, “I'll help you take all that off.” So much for getting some sleep.

 

\--

 

We ended up staying a whole week in Meirchio to rest. Many of the group are nursing wounds from our fights with the two legates, after all. Velvet did her best to remain patient during our time in Meirchio, but she clearly wants to go finally finish what's been driving her the past three years.

I'm not as focused on the upcoming battle as Velvet is, however. Over the past few days Kamoana has started to come down with a fever, and despite Medissa's and my best efforts to care for her nothing we do seems to helps. On the day we agreed to leave town and set out for the capital, I find myself thinking nervously of Kamoana. What even causes a therion to get sick? Is there nothing we can do for her?

As we're getting ready to leave, Medissa approaches Velvet and me. She looks crushed under the uncertainty of what will happen to Kamoana. “Her fever is only getting worse. All she's been doing today is lay in bed, mumbling about not wanting to take her mom's medicine.”

“I think she's mentioned her mom's medicine before,” Velvet says. “It seems like something her mom had her take whenever she came down with a cold.”

“Maybe it's something specific that she needs?” An idea suddenly comes to me. “There could still be some left in her old home at Haria . . .” I let the implication of what I'm saying hang in the air. Medissa gets what I'm suggesting immediately.

“Possibly,” Medissa says. “It's the only thing left to try really. I'll go to Haria and see if I can find it.” In response Velvet gives her a withering look.

“Absolutely not. If you go out alone you'll just end up captured by the Abbey. I'm not letting them have you; they may still have use for you.”

“I'll go whether you want me to or not,” Medissa whispers, looking ready to fight Velvet. I take a step forward, getting in between the two of them.

“Wait, Medissa. We'll go to Haria and get the medicine. Please do what you can to look after Kamoana until we get back.” I turn from Medissa back to Velvet, thinking the situation is resolved, but see her looking angry with me now.

“We'll do no such thing.” Velvet continues to stare us both down and I look at her in shock, unable to speak for a moment. How could she refuse to help Kamoana?

“What are you-” as I try and respond Velvet grabs me by the arm and pulls me away from Medissa.

“What is wrong with you?!” Velvet hisses angrily into my ear.

“I should be the one asking that!” I whisper back to her. “You heard Medissa, Kamoana's fever is getting worse. We don't even know what causes a therion to get sick, or what it will do to her. She could die if we don't do something!”

Velvet sighs angrily. “You know perfectly well that she's going to be dead as soon as we kill Innominat anyway. We've already wasted a week here while Artorius and Innominat are getting ready to fight us. We can't afford to waste weeks sailing to and from Haria in search of some medicine we probably won't find for a girl that's going to be dead soon anyway!” She glares at me.

“We can't know for sure she'll die when Innominat does!” I stand my ground, returning Velvet's glare.

“I know it for certain. There's no happy ending waiting at the end of this for me or anyone around me. That's just how things always are with me.”

“What kind of terrible excuse is that?” I've given up speaking in the whispers our conversation started in, and my voice echoes in the quiet town. “You'll risk a little girl's life all because you're still too busy feeling bad for yourself to care about anyone else?! You can wallow in self-pity all you want, but it's no excuse to not at least give her the chance to live — slim as it may be! I'm not going to let her suffer just because you're so damn self-centered!” I immediately wish I could take back my words as I see the hurt on Velvet's face, only there for a moment before returning to anger. She turns her back to me.

“Fine. You'll do what you want anyway. Go get the others and tell Medissa we'll go to Haria.” She begins to head towards the gate leading out of town.

“Wait, Velvet I-”

“Just go,” she growls. I stand in place, unable to speak as she walks away from me.

 

\--

 

That night on the Van Eltia, I sleep alone in the captain's quarters. It's the first time I've slept by myself since the night I brought Velvet into this room.

 


	5. Revenge as Bitter as it is Shallow

Standing on the docks of Yseult, I find myself impatiently looking back at the Van Eltia. Five of us: Velvet, Laphicet, Eizen, Rokurou, and myself are all waiting in the port for Magilou to leave the ship so we can start making our way towards Haria. We wouldn't have bothered waiting for her, but when we first reached port we heard talk of powerful daemons roaming around Haria. It seemed wise to all travel as a group in case of daemon attacks, but I'm starting to wish we'd left Magilou behind.

I guess she just refuses to have a sense of urgency about anything. Oh well. I suppose the ten or fifteen minutes we'll end up waiting for her won't make much difference compared to how long it took to sail here. I just hope we can find Kamoana's medicine . . . and that she hasn't gotten sicker while we're gone. I sigh to myself. I know that no amount of worrying will make the trip back to Meirchio any faster, but it's hard not to.

I force myself to focus on something else, in the hopes of taking my mind off Kamoana for the moment, and find my attention moving towards Velvet. She's out on the pier, idly waiting for Magilou the same as I am. Laphicet is standing next to her, but neither of them seem to be talking much to each other. It's the same as she's been since we left Meirchio. She's barely talked to anyone and any attempt I made to start a conversation with her, to apologize, she quickly brushed off. She hasn't even seemed particularly angry with me when I've tried to talk to her, she's just closing herself off from everyone again. Maybe I just need to give her some time. Time is something we're quickly running out of, however.

I suddenly notice that Velvet is looking in my direction, and our eyes meet. I quickly avert her gaze, realizing I've been staring at her for a while now. Thankfully, Velvet's attention is quickly taken away from me as Magilou finally steps out onto the pier. Looks like we can get moving towards Haria.

 

\--

 

As we walk down the beach towards Haria, I keep turning over in my head something we heard in Yseult before we left. A member of the Bloodwings approached us and warned us about going to Haria. He said there was an especially dangerous daemon in Haria: A troll carrying a giant club and wearing a large jewel, who is known to have taken out entire towns before. It sounds like it must be that daemon that attacked my village so long ago. Surely it can't be? . . .

My thoughts are interrupted by Laphicet, who at some point had begun walking near me without me even noticing. “Is something bothering you, Eleanor? You've been awfully quiet this whole time.”

I look at Laphicet and attempt to give him a reassuring smile. “Oh, I'm just worried about Kamoana is all.”

“Is that really all? You've seemed especially deep in thought since we left Yseult,” Laphict says, tilting his head slightly in the way he does when something is puzzling him. I consider whether I should tell him or not. It doesn't seem right putting any of this onto him; he's just a kid after all. Still, he seems so genuinely concerned for me, and I know that Laphicet is the type to stay concerned about those around him if he senses something is bothering them. I mean, just look at how closely he's watched over Velvet ever since he realized how much her past weighs on her. I feel uneasy about it, but I guess I'll tell him.

“Okay, you're right,” I say with a sigh. I probably shouldn't keep this to myself anyway. “I think the daemon that we heard is in Haria is one of the daemons that attacked my village. The Bloodwing who mentioned the daemon said he was wearing a large jewel . . . it's probably the jewel that the daemon was after when it attacked my village. The jewel my mom used to lure the daemon away.”

Laphicet looks downcast. “Eleanor, I'm sorry. I had no idea.”

“It's . . . it's okay.”

“Will you be okay, if we have to fight that daemon?”

“I will. When I became an exorcist, the thought that I might get a chance to fight this daemon one day was always at the back of my mind. This has been a long time coming . . .”

Velvet is walking a good distance in front of us, but it seems she still heard some of our conversation. She turns around to me. “If it is that daemon, don't do anything reckless, okay?” Despite her apparent concern, she speaks in a cold tone of voice.

“I won't,” I reply.

 

\--

 

We enter Haria with our weapons drawn, expecting a fight. Instead we're greeted by an empty town with no daemons in sight. If not for the eerie stillness of the abandoned town, the blue sky above and the slight breeze running through the town's palm trees would make for an almost peaceful scene. I lower my spear, before placing it on my back.

Velvet turns to the group. “Does anyone know which house was Kamoana's?” she asks. We all look at each other, no one appearing to have an answer. “Well, let's split up and search the whole town then.”

We spend a frustratingly long time combing the town in search of the medicine. After a couple of hours it feels like we've searched almost every house, but there's one house near the edge of town that I think no one has been to yet. I head towards it and step inside, and am shocked to come face to face with Velvet. She was evidently about to leave the house, carrying a small brown bag. Seeing me she stops, and seems to take a moment to figure out how to react.

After a moment she offers a slight, guarded smile. “I found the medicine, Eleanor.”

“You did? Are you sure it's Kamoana's?”

“Yeah. Her mom left directions on how to make her take it. I guess for someone that looked after Kamoana when she was busy.”

“Oh, thank goodness you found it. And those instructions might help us.”

She looks at me uncomfortably. “Eleanor, I need to talk to you-” She's cut off by a loud, inhuman roar coming from outside. I know that sound.

I rush outside, not even thinking of Velvet. As I exit the house, I immediately see the giant figure in the middle of town. A grotesquely large, red troll-daemon. The huge club it carries scrapes across the ground as it turns to face me, its beady red eyes focusing on me. Around its neck it's wearing a large jewel. The jewel from my town that my mom used to lure that daemon away from me. The jewel she used to sacrifice herself so that I might live.

Finally. I slowly pull my spear off my back. Finally I get to kill you. All the daemons I've killed before have prepared me for this. This will be easy.

I run towards the daemon, barely hearing the scream that I let out or the sound of Velvet behind me yelling to wait. Once in range, I feel the daemon's club swing past me over and over, with enough force to crush me in one blow. I slide past each swing, getting in close enough to avoid the arc of the beast's swing but far enough away to use my spear. As I begin to slash and poke at the monster, I feel the sensation of my spear slice through flesh and thick red blood start to spew out of its chest. It screams in pain, and lashes out at me with its clawed hands. As I continue to hack away at it, I think it nicks me with one of its claws. I'm so covered in the its blood though, I can hardly tell if I myself am bleeding.

Suffering blow after blow, the beast begins to lose its strength. Eventually it can take no more, and falls onto its back with a thunderous crash. It's not dead though; I can still see it breathing. I walk up to its head and I see that it's staring up at me, its eyes full of hate. I raise my spear, and bring it down towards the beast, stabbing directly into its throat. Its eyes go wide with pain, and it lets out a terrible gurgling noise as blood begins to gush out of its mouth. Some of the blood it's coughing up splatters onto me, but I ignore it. I grab my spear with both hands, twisting it in the daemon's neck. I feel a morbid satisfaction as its flesh tears and rips, its head leaning to a distorted angle as I begin to sever its neck. One last tinge of pain racks the beast's body before it finally goes limp.

I begin to see what's around me again, and I realize that at some point the rest of the group had joined me in fighting the daemon. I had hardly even noticed. I try and calm my breathing as I turn towards Laphicet, who is standing near me.

Laphicet is looking at me in shock, and when he speaks it's almost in a whisper. “Your face is covered in blood.”

I raise a hand to my face, feeling a hot stickiness as my fingers graze my cheeks. Pulling my hand away, I see that my fingers are red. “It's just the daemon's blood,” I reply dismissively. “It's nothing to worry about.”

“It's not just that I'm worried about. I've never seen you fight like that before. You weren't paying attention to anything around you.”

Velvet steps towards us, visibly upset. She grabs me by the collar, violently pulling me towards her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” she yells at me, inches from my face. “You nearly hit Laphicet with your spear, twice! You could have fucking killed him!”

“Then he shouldn't have gotten in my way,” I snap. “Besides, since when do _you_ care about getting kids killed? You clearly didn't mind if Kamoana lived or died.”

Velvet lets go of my collar, taking a step back from me in shock. “What _is_ wrong with you?” She's staring at me, all the anger that was visible just a moment ago gone. Now as she looks at me all I see is fear.

“I-I'm sorry,” I stammer, realizing how horrible what I just said to her was. “I don't know. I don't know what I was doing. I lost control. I had to do it though. I needed to, for my mom . . .” I trail off, realizing the weakness of my excuses. How could I have been so careless around Laphicet? Why did I lose control like that?

Laphicet looks at me with concern. “What's wrong, Eleanor?”

“I didn't even kill it just for my mom. I _wanted_ to kill it so badly, wanted to see it suffer. I hated it for the happy life it took away from me . . . This is how Kamoana would feel if she know the truth of what happened to her mom, isn't it? She'd want to kill me just as I wanted for so long to kill that daemon.”

Laphicet takes a step towards me. “Eleanor, that's not true, she-”

“It is true! Her mom is dead because of what I did. She sacrificed herself to keep Kamoana alive, the same as my mom did, and I've been keeping the truth of what happened from Kamoana. I've been lying to her for my own selfish reasons — because I can't handle the idea of her hating me. I know she'd try and kill me if she knew, and I can't accept it. If she attacked me, I'd probably end up killing her too. I'd kill her to save my own selfish, worthless life . . .” I feel myself fall to the ground. I kneel in the sand, clutching onto my spear.

“Am I even any better than that daemon?” The world around me begins to fade out of sight as strange dark-purple wisps of smoke cloud my vision. The voices around me blink in and out, getting quieter and quieter despite the urgency in their tone increasing with each second. I can only make out bits and pieces of what is being said.

“How long have you . . .”

“Oh no . . .”

“She's releasing so much malevolence!”

“She'll . . . A daemon . . .”

“Laphicet's vessel . . .”

“He'll turn into a dragon!”

“Someone do something!”

Those voices continue to grow quieter and quieter, but I hear one voice clearer than the others. It sounds so close to me.

As the voice speaks, its words echo in my head. “All you cared about was that killing that daemon, so much so that you put Laphicet's life at risk. And now you've hurt Velvet again. How can you treat her like that, when she's already gone through so much? You tell yourself that you live by noble ideals, but look at you. You spent so many years of your life as nothing but the Abbey's lackey, and now you're terrible towards those who care about you. You'll even lie to a little girl to save yourself the guilt of her knowing you got her own mother killed. If your mom could see you now, maybe she'd even regret sacrificing herself to save you. After all, who could love such a horrible, selfish daughter?”

I know the voice is right, if she saw me now my mom would regret what she did. I finally understand something for the first time: I've spent my whole life trying to get away from the guilt. I should have been the one to die, not my mom. All I've done is waste the opportunity at life she gave me.

When I joined the Abbey, I wasn't being selfless like I told myself. It was just because I thought helping others would get rid of the guilt. And look at what's happened since then. The world is crumbling around me, and I spent years serving the organization that caused this. The woman who I hated, who I even tried to kill, is the one who is going to stop them — while all I can do is follow her and try and fix what I helped cause. She forgave me for the things I did; she even said she loves me. But, there's a limit to how many times I can screw up before even she knows who I really am. That fear I saw in her eyes . . . she must realize it. She realizes my years at the Abbey weren't a mistake. She knows, as I do, who I really am: a selfish woman, willing to follow whoever I tell myself will ease my guilt. I didn't do it for anyone else but myself, just like why I lied to Kamoana about what happened to her mom. All I'm ever trying to do is selfishly spare my tortured conscience.

Maybe, at least, Velvet can move past her own guilt if she realizes I'm the one who is the true monster — not her. I . . . I can show her. I can . . .

The dark-purple smoke fills more and more of my vision, becoming a solid dark cloud, until it's almost all I can see. The voices speaking urgently around me sound so far away. However, just as the voices that are about to become so distant as to completely disappear, my attention is pulled towards one of them. It was saying something just a moment ago, but it stopped. Now it's just crying. It's . . . a woman crying. I know this voice.

Velvet begins to yell through her tears. “Dammit, dammit! Not you too, please, gods, no! Eleanor, please, don't! Stay with me! I know this is my fault. I'm sorry, please Eleanor, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have tried to stop you. I made you place all the responsibility for this on yourself! Stop blaming yourself for so much. You came here despite me trying to stop you! You're here for Kamaona's sake! You . . . you . . . this can't happen to you. I can't lose you too . . .”

I can't believe it. Somehow, despite all that I've said, she still cares about and is relying on me. I feel my resolve begin to return. I can't give up just yet; I need to live for her sake. No, I _want_ to live for her sake. I force myself to peer through the purple smoke swirling around me. I can barely make out the dark outline of a figure in front of me, kneeling on the ground. Despite my inability to see clearly, I know it's Velvet. I focus on her, feeling like I have to fight against the smoke even to keep sight of her.

Slowly, the smoke around me starts to clear and everything begins to come into view again. I see Velvet, down on her knees in front of me, hands over her face, crying. I reach out a hand towards her, placing it on her face. The blood on my hand stains her cheeks.

She looks at me in disbelief. “E-Eleanor?”

“I'm sorry to worry you, Velvet. I'll be fine.”

She lunges at me, and begins to hug me tightly. She continues to cry, but now there is the sound of relief in her weeping. “I'm sorry,” she forces out in between sobs. “I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay Velvet. It's okay.” I return her hug, wrapping my arms around her, hardly even noticing that the blood I'm covered in is getting all over her clothes. “I'm fine now. Everything is fine.” We stay like this for a while, before she manages to speak again.

She sniffles, her tears finally starting to slow. “I pushed you away. I wasn't there for you when you needed me . . .”

“No. You were. Really, you were.”

“Please . . . just don't scare me like that again.”

I smile, knowing that things are going to be okay. “I won't. I promise.”

 

\--

 

On the trip back to Meirchio, things return to normal between Velvet and me. I have to constantly reassure her that I think our argument in Meirchio was as much my fault as hers, but she eventually stops apologizing. As hard as it is to see her feel so bad about what happened, I get it. After seeing me come so close to losing myself, she's afraid of losing me. But, in the end, she was there for me. I try and let her know that, but I'm not sure if she really believes it. Either way, I'm glad we're back to how we were before this whole trip.

Laphicet forgives me for how I acted around the daemon. Somehow, he seems to hold no grudge for the fact that I could have killed him due to my carelessness. Every time I apologize, he just smiles and says it's okay and that he understands what kind of stress I was under. With how long he's been around Velvet, perhaps he really does understand. The weight she and I carry isn't all that different.

Before we reach Meirchio, Velvet shows me the note that Kamoana's mom wrote. It's a message that makes me realize that perhaps hiding the truth from Kamoana for now isn't completely horrible. I'll make sure she knows the truth when she's older, and more prepared to deal with it. If she hates me because of it, so be it. Until then, I'll do what I can to protect her. Well, if Kamoana even lives that is. Velvet told me something she realized that might change everything about what we thought would happen with Innominat. She was vague about it, but it's given me some hope . . .

And as for the Abbey? Well, all I can do about them is help Velvet finally put an end to all they've done. After that? I might spend my whole life trying to make up for the time I spent serving them. At the very least, I'll never give up on humanity as Artorius has. That much I can promise myself.

 


	6. Someone Else's Life

All too soon we find ourselves on our way to the capital, Loegres. Our stop back in Meirchio was fairly quick, despite some complications with getting Kamoana to take her medicine. Thankfully, we did manage to get her to take it, and she seems to be doing much better now. I'm glad to have that off my mind, but . . . now all I can think about is what will happen to Velvet once we face Artorius and Innominat. She's made it clear, no matter what happens, that she's probably not walking away from it. I can't bear the thought of letting her go, but each day only brings us only closer to Artorius.

The afternoon of the day we're to reach Loegres, I find myself on the deck of the Van Eltia, idly passing the time. Looking around me on the ship, I see the crew going about the work of sailing the ship much more quietly than they normally do. The whole crew is well aware we may not survive our fight with Artorius and Innominat, and I suppose it's made even the normally jovial pirate crew rather somber. They just lost Aifread so recently, after all, and the thought of Eizen possibly dying too doesn't sit well with them.

At least those that remember Eizen will mourn his passing, if it comes to that. If Velvet dies . . . she'll be remembered by most as the Lord of Calamity; a horrible monster who brought death wherever she went. How cruel and senseless the world can be sometimes. The woman I know will be forgotten by everyone but our small band, forever replaced in the minds of the world with a beast who lived only to kill. She's going to save humanity from Artorius' twisted views, but they would only celebrate her death. One last injustice that she will suffer.

I close my eyes, trying to calm myself. Now isn't the time for this. For now, she's still with us. With me. If the worst happens, I want to have spent my last days with her as happily as possible. There will be plenty of time to mourn later.

I glance around the deck again, trying to see if she's anywhere on it. She said she had to talk to Laphicet about something, and then went to go find him. She's nowhere to be seen at first, but soon enough she's returned to the ship's deck. Spotting me, she starts to head towards me. As she reaches me, she offers a slight nervous smile. Is the approaching confrontation with Artorius on her mind?

“Looks like we're getting close to Loegres,” she says, gesturing towards the land that's come into view.

“We've made good time.” The conversation immediately peters out, awkwardly. I suppose we both can't find the words to talk about what we really want to. After a few seconds Velvet lets out a sighs, and tries again.

“Eleanor I, ah . . . I have a question for you.”

“Oh?” That's not what I was expecting.

“You see, I talked to Laphicet about Innominat's domain. He said that it hasn't grown at all since the other Empyreans pushed it back. It seems Innominat isn't going to regain much control in the immediate future. We have some time.”

“That's good, but aren't we going straight to Empyrean's throne to deal with him anyway?”

“Well . . . that's the question.” She averts my gaze, looking nervous. “I was wondering if before that you'd come with me to Eastgand. Just the two of us.”

I feel the weight that's been crushing me the past few days lighten ever so slightly at her words. We still have a little more time together. “Of course! Why are you acting like I might say no?”

“Well, it's just that earlier I was so impatient to go deal with Artorius after we woke up the Empyreans, that I was so cruel towards you about helping Kamoana. I thought it might piss you off that I've changed my mind now, after we went through all that.”

I shake my head at her, resisting the urge to sigh. “Velvet, I already said to stop worrying about that. We both didn't handle it very well. At all. It's in the past.”

“Okay, okay.”

“So, why Eastgand?”

“I . . . want to go to Aball one last time. The last time we were there, I wasn't in a very good frame of mind, after Melchior's illusions and all. I guess I just want to see it again. Visit Celica's grave one more time.” She pauses, seeming to consider whether she should say one last thing. When she does speak next, it is in a sad whisper. “And really, I'm just not quite ready to say goodbye to you yet.”

“I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to say goodbye,” I reply, speaking as quietly as she did. I feel like I might start crying on the deck in front of the entire damn crew if the conversation continues like this, but thankfully Velvet changes the subject.

Clearing her throat, Velvet attempts to change the tone of her voice to a lighter one as she speaks, although the words come out slightly shaky. “A-anyway. I already asked Benwick if the crew would be fine taking us to Eastgand, and he said no one would mind. So, I guess we're going to drop the group off at Port Zekson and then head straight to Eastgand.”

“What are Laphicet and the others going to do while we're off in Eastgand?”

“Maybe they can talk to the Bloodwings in Loegres and try and figure out any information about what Artorius has been up to?”

“I just feel a little bad just asking them to wait for us, is all.”

“Look, they'll find some way to occupy their time. Rokurou will probably find some Class-A daemon to hunt down or something. Dammit, I don't know. It really doesn't matter. I just . . .” she stops, looking for the words. “. . . I just need to know the last memory of me I'm leaving you with isn't that whole trip to Haria, okay?”

“Velvet, please. I'm just happy to get the chance to spend some more time with you, it doesn't have to be about making up for Haria.” I try and smile, but it doesn't come easily right now. “Trust me, I'd rather ask them to wait than to not go on this trip with you. Let's try and enjoy our time together, okay?”

“Okay.” A slight look of discomfort is visible on her face. We both know what I actually mean is _let's try and enjoy what little time we have left together_ , but neither of us can bring ourselves to say it.

 

\--

 

Not many days later, after leaving the rest of the group near the capital and then a brief stop in the port town of Taliesin in Eastgand, Velvet and I are on our way to Aball. It's still early in the day as we travel on foot down the long road that leads to Velvet's hometown and the morning sun shines brightly in the sky — illuminating the bright autumn foliage that dot the trees lining the path. The two of us walk alone, carrying our weapons and some things for our time in Aball.

Velvet has become increasingly less talkative since we started down the road to Aball, and for a while we have been traveling in silence. Eventually, Velvet speaks again, in a contemplative whisper. “Even now, it doesn't feel right going back.”

“I could see why it would feel like that,” I say. “When you lived in Aball was a . . . very different part of your life than now. ”

“It's more than that though. It still feels like someone else's life. Going back feels like mourning something that isn't mine to mourn.”

“I don't think that is-” I stop short, noticing a lone wolf-daemon far off on the road in front of us. “Wait. See that?” I point towards the direction of the daemon.

“Yeah.”

“Let's go down by the river bank and walk along there to avoid it.”

“No need,” Velvet says, briefly looking at the road behind us, “I'm hungry.” The bandages on her left arm begin to fall off as her hand grows into the large daemon claw I've gotten so used to seeing. She continues to stride towards the wolf-daemon. Soon the beast notices us, and it starts to run towards us — its jaw agape in anticipation. The stupid thing thinks it has found its next meal. I almost feel bad for it.

Based on the slight grimace on Velvet's face, perhaps she does too.

 

\--

 

Soon enough, we reach Aball. The large wooden gate at the edge of town is still standing, but left slightly ajar. It groans as we grab onto it and pull it open wide enough that we can walk through.

“Meant to keep daemons out,” Velvet remarks on the gate. “Didn't do much good against daemons coming from the inside.” She starts to slip past the gate into town, but stops, seemingly realizing something. “Artorius built this gate.”

“Oh? Why do you mention it?” I ask.

“After the first one proved so worthless against those bandits-turned-daemons that first Scarlet Night, the town wanted a stronger gate, but . . . He knew what was going to happen to the town. This gate was never going to do anything.” She looks at it, almost if annoyed with the gate itself. “Just another one of his false promises.”

As we step into what is left of the small town, a chill breeze blows through the air. The dead leaves that are littered all around the town move in the wind, a few picking up into the air briefly before quickly falling back to the ground. Velvet stops, looking over the decaying town.

“Well. Same as we left it.” She begins to move through the town, towards her old home. “Come on.”

We walk through the town, every step rustling the high grass that now covers the paths which once connected one house to the next. Soon, Velvet's house comes into view. Silently, she moves towards the two gravestones that stand a bit away from the house and kneels on the ground in front of them. She places a hand on Celica's gravestone.

I kneel down next to her. “Do you mind if I say a prayer?” I whisper.

“Go ahead,” she says without looking away from the grave. I close my eyes and bow my head, offering up a request that Celica finds happiness in the afterlife.

As I finish and open my eyes, Velvet casts a glance towards me. “You know, I've been meaning to ask. Now that you know the true nature of Innominat and no longer follow the Abbey's religion, who do you even pray to? The other Empyreans?”

I shake my head. “No. I'd imagine they're not exactly gods, just like Innominat. Besides, I don't really know enough about them.” I find my eyes drawn to the gravestone next to Celica's, the one for her unborn child. We now know, due to the Earthen Historia,that Laphicet is the soul of this child reborn as a malak. His existence is a reminder of how little I really understand about the world. “To be honest, I don't pray to a particular being anymore. I just offer up my prayer, in the hopes that someone will hear it.”

“Maybe someone does. It certainly can't hurt, anyway.” Velvet stands up, dusting off her clothes as she does. “I want to get some flowers for the grave. Celica always loved princessias, and they grow near the shrine on the coast here.”

“You want to go get some now?”

“Yeah. Oh, and Eleanor?”

“Yes?”

“When I'm gone, will you pray for me?”

I take her hand in mine, squeezing it slightly as I do. “I will.”

 

\--

 

After a quick walk through the forest surrounding Aball, we find ourselves at the old shrine on the coast. It doesn't take long for Velvet to locate some princessias, and grab a few. I take one as well, figuring even if I didn't know Celica I can give her one as well.

We're about to leave and head back into the forest to make our way towards Aball, but something stops Velvet. She looks around in the clearing surrounding the shrine. “Coming back to this shrine especially feels so strange. This is where Laphi died. And where I killed almost the entire town.”

“You never really told me about that. Did they attack you because you'd become a daemon?”

“No, not because of that. If they were still human they probably would have just run away from me. No, the entire town had become daemons. None of of them retained their sanity when they turned either. They all attacked me cause they were mindless beasts at that point.”

“I'm sorry, Velvet. I didn't realize it happened like that.” I sigh, realizing this is yet one more part of her past on the long list of things she can't escape feeling guilty about. “Still, it doesn't sound like there's anything you could have done about it. It's not your fault.”

“I know, but . . . In that moment, to me they were merely obstacles in between me and Artorius. All I was thinking about was killing him, and I barely even noticed the daemons as I devoured them. But then . . .” She shivers ever so slightly. “Then Artorius told me to look at the corpses. And they were the people I'd known all my life. All dead. I'd killed them with the thought one puts towards swatting a fly.” Her voice drops to a whisper. “Niko's body was right next to me.”

“Who was Niko?”

“Oh. Sometimes I forget how little I've said about my . . . past life.” She takes a breath and lets it out in a quick sigh, seeming to brace herself to continue talking about her past. “Niko was my best friend growing up. It would have been horrible enough, knowing I'd killed the girl I'd spent so much of my childhood with, but . . . Just the day before I'd realized Niko meant much more to me than a friend.

As Velvet continues to speak, she briefly looks down to the princessias that she at some point had started to idly twirl in one hand. “She was talking to me about some boy she'd gotten a crush on. He was training to be a veterinarian or something. Whenever she'd talked about boys before and I simply couldn't relate to her interest in them I'd just kind of presumed I was too busy taking care of Laphi and helping Artorius to worry about romance. But, when she asked me to teach her my quiche recipe so she could make one for this boy, well, I realized I wish she felt that way about me instead.

“I planned it out in my head. I'd have her come over to teach her the recipe sometime when Artorius and Laphi both weren't around. While we were cooking, I'd drop some hints about how maybe there was someone else who'd like it if she cooked for them. I'd lead up to it, then confess to her.

“I knew it would probably be messy. I knew she probably had no interest in other girls, and that admitting my feelings to her might strain our friendship. But I felt I had to at least tell her. I couldn't stand to hear her talk about that boy without at least letting her know how I felt.

“It was such a normal thing for a teenage girl to worry about. And then, just hours later, she was laying there dead at my feet. The last part of my normal life, the last person I loved, I'd killed myself.”

I search for the words to respond to her story, but can hardly think of anything adequate. It's yet another thing she went through that is too horrible to even fully understand. “I have no clue what it must have been like, going through that.” I find myself averting her gaze slightly. “I, ah, am sorry you never got to confess to her. You probably still wonder what she would have said.”

Something in the way I spoke must have given myself away to Velvet, as her eyes widen a bit and she quickly begins to speak. “Oh! I didn't mean to . . . Eleanor, Niko was someone for a past that feels distant enough to be from another lifetime. She wouldn't recognize or understand the person I've become, and I can't relate to who she was anymore either. She was just a carefree girl, far removed from the world I live in now. She's a distant memory, that's all. Unlike you.”

I feel my cheeks grow slightly hot, as I realize she's having to assuage my jealously of a girl that has been dead for three years. “Oh gods, I'm sorry. I'm being kind of ridiculous, aren't I?”

She lets out a short, quiet laugh. “Yes, you are. But it's cute.” She leans in towards me, letting the princessias she was holding fall to ground as she lifts a hand towards my face. Wait, is she really going to kiss me here of all places?

I feel her lips on mine. Apparently, she is.

 

\--

 

By the time we get back to Aball, the sun is starting to go down. Velvet begins to head to her old home without saying anything about it. I lightly grab her by the hand to stop her.

“Velvet? Are you planning for us to stay in your house tonight?”

“Yeah, why not? I don't want to sleep in some other house in town. It would seem weird to sleep in the home of some person that died a long time ago.”

“I mean, I'm just kind of concerned about what sort of memories staying there will bring back.”

She lets out a humorless laugh. “Eleanor, coming back here at all brings back all sorts of memories that I'm not sure if I'd rather just forget. It's not a big deal.”

“Well, if you say so.”

“Trust me, there's nothing to worry about. I'll be fine as long as you're with me.” She smiles as she finishes speaking, and I know that she really means it.

Before heading into the house, we place the princessias at Celica and her child's graves. Soon after we walk inside, Velvet begins clearing an area in the dining room for us to put our sleeping bags on; we'll sleep on the floor as her old bed has seen better days, and besides, it's way too small for two people. The house is covered in three years worth of dust, and we spend a while sweeping the floor where we're going to sleep before going to bed.

 

\--

 

I wake up to the smell of something cooking. Opening my eyes slowly I see Velvet in front of me. Her back is turned to me as she cooks on the wood stove at the other end of the house, whistling to herself as she does. After a moment, she glances back at me and, realizing I'm awake, her face lights up in smile. As she turns away from the stove, I realize she's wearing an old apron. It looks decidedly out of place with the rest of her outfit.

“Oh, you're finally awake! Good morning, Ele.”Ele? I'm still waking up and having trouble thinking, but the thought crosses my mind that that is the first Velvet has called me by any sort of nickname. “I went out early this morning and did some hunting. Kind of for old time's sake? Besides, I don't think we brought enough for you to eat for the entire time we'll be here.”

I get up slowly, yawning as I do. I move towards her, looking over her shoulder at the meat she's cooking. “It smells good. Thanks for going through the trouble to get it.”

“Oh, it wasn't any trouble. I'm quite good at hunting, you know. I used to do it all the time.” She gestures towards the table that we moved last night to make room for our sleeping bags. “It will be ready soon, feel free to go sit down whenever. I already cleaned off the table and chairs.”

“I think I'll stay here,” I say while leaning against her, half out of a desire to be close and half because I'm still barely awake. She smiles at me as I let out another yawn, before turning her attention back to the stove.

 

**\--**

 

We spend several lazy days in Aball. We go out hunting together one day and Velvet teaches me a bit about tracking animals. Sometimes something in town will spark an old memory, and she'll tell me a story from her old life: like how once she caught Laphi trying to convince the town's merchant to take him along on one of the merchant's trips to the nearby city of Taliesin, or how Niko would always come up with ridiculous business schemes for her and Velvet to make money that she would inevitably forget about in a couple of days.

On our first day here whenever Velvet spoke of the past she often did so in a whisper, sadness tinging her voice. Soon enough however, she's recounting her past to me with a smile. For the first time since I met her, I get the feeling she doesn't have a constant uneasiness in the back of her mind.

If not for the fact that we are spending our time in a deserted ghost town, for just a few brief days we come close to being almost normal. A young couple, making do with what we have. Happy just to be together.

Soon though, we have to go. After one last look around town, and a few more flowers on Celica's grave, we begin the long walk back to Taliesin. We can't put off the inevitable any longer. Still, the walk back on the road connecting Taliesin to Aball is a much less somber time than it was on our way to Aball. Velvet seems to be ready to face what she has to, and at peace with the fact that she may be living the last days of her life.

I wish I also was ready for what is about to happen.

 

 


End file.
